putting up our middle fingers to the sky
by DrinkingAlcoholicRainbows
Summary: He pulls Eren up. "Hear this, you big lugs?" Jean shouts, and the wind roars. "I'll take you down with everything I've got, or I'll die trying!" :: In which Jean finally understands why Eren's perfect world is a world without Titans, and they make some good time in hoping for the better.


**A/N: I've decided to upload all my fics into a single account. _eye of the beholder_ until _let the walls break down_ were originally uploaded to my AO3 account, callingthequits. Then I went back to my roots and thought, "Hey, why not post it on Fanfiction too?" so here I am.**

 **Title is a modified lyric from _Rock N Roll_ by Avril Lavigne. Although Jean's last line is a direct quote from Fall Out Boy's _The Phoenix_.**

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"The stars sure are bright tonight," Eren observes. Jean hums in response. This isn't the first time that they've sneaked out of the castle at night – it isn't even the first night that they've been alone in doing it either. By this point in time, they're both so used to working together as soldiers that it's almost no hassle in spending time together as their personal selves. It's almost as if the Titans, as graceless and unknowing as they were, forced their jagged sides together until they fit.

It's not as if their job is exterminating the damn things, but they're both shamefully grateful anyway.

"I've always loved the stars," Eren says quietly. "It's like a reminder that there's something out there they can't touch."

And then there are times like this, when Eren is as silent as he can get and Jean shuts his mouth for the most part, that it's like they didn't need the Titans to force them together. That if Eren was calmer and Jean was more accepting, they could've been friends. It's a thought that Jean likes to entertain, but more so when it's nights like this: just the two of them, united in silence and in the stars.

Sometimes it reminds him of the old saying: Under the sun are those who love brightest, under the moon are those who love strongest, under the clouds are those who love unbound, and under the stars are those who love unafraid.

And Jean has grown to love the boy beside him, even if only as something like a friend, and he's certain Eren feels the same. They still fight, yes. There will always be the friction between them, and it will always burn. But sometimes the friction is good, and the heat keeps them warm.

Well. It does for Jean, anyway.

So he just says, "My mom used to teach me about the patterns in the stars. She would point them out to me when I was younger, and I'd trace them with my fingers."

"Because of them," Eren says. Jean doesn't bother with a response, and Eren nods at him, understanding what he didn't say. That she can't anymore, because he's a soldier and soldiers can't go back home unless they win the war or die trying.

They sit in silence and the stars blink back at them.

"Do you ever wonder," Jean says, suddenly. "How the world would be like if there weren't any Titans?"

Eren scoffs. "Always. If they weren't here, we'd be a happy and developing race. If they weren't here, we would be free to explore the land we were born into. If they weren't here - well, you know. It's easy enough to imagine."

"No." Jean sits up straight to look at the boy beside him, even though it's been a long time since they could be referred to as such. "Describe your perfect world to me, Jaeger."

Eren frowns. "I just did."

"What, that's it? Your perfect world is just the same crapsack one we live in, just with no Titans?" Jean almost says that he's a pretty boring guy if that's all he can think of, but he refrains. It's Eren, after all. He shouldn't have expected anything less, even though he did want something with a bit more variety than that. Eren opens his mouth to say something, probably an insult, but he manages to interrupt. "Go on, elaborate," he says, making some hand motions. Eren looks at him, a bit put out, but he obeys.

"No Titans," Eren repeats. "And a stronger humanity. And everything that Armin and I ever read in his books would still be there, and we would ride on boats and we would go out and _explore_. A world where life isn't so harsh, and everyone is happy, and there wouldn't be a reason to do bad things because why would they, you know?

"A world where everybody lives good lives. They wouldn't be so desperate, then, the way that we are now. There wouldn't be a reason for kids like us to go to war, and nobody is hungry, and Armin, Mikasa and I could live!" Eren laughs, but he's crying. Jean pats him on the back. "We could live just for ourselves, and there wouldn't be any reason, no reason at all, for us to willing put our lives away and for us to die and _we're just kids_ and _I don't want to die_ but every day I live knowing I can and sometimes I wish I was.

 _"I didn't get that!"_ Eren shouts, and he's standing up by now, screaming at the sky. "I was born in a world where I'm the very monster that I despise with every core of my being! I'm the same thing that destroyed hundreds of lives, broke thousands of people! I have the blood of my mother and the demon that killed her! And I'll kill them, and I'll make them pay, _because my perfect world is the world that we could have had if it weren't for them!_

"And I would die just to make sure that we live without them, those _bastards_ that I wish would rot in hell, just because I can! I have the right, I have the _freedom_ to do whatever I want, because this is the world I was born into! This is my _home_ ," Eren pleads, and he shudders through a harsh breath. "And they had no right to take anything away from me. From all of us."

There's a single heartbreaking moment, where Eren just sobs, and collapses to his knees as he wipes his tears away. Jean used to wonder why Eren always seemed so upset and obsessed with killing Titans. Now that he knows, he's not sure he wants to anymore.

Behind the strong image of Humanity's Hope is just a broken boy who's hoping for humanity.

Jean stands up next to where Eren is still taking deep breaths.

"I hate them," he states. "If it weren't for them, I'd still be at home with my mother! If it weren't for them, I wouldn't have lost my best friend! If it weren't for them, maybe I would've had a shot at a happy ending but no! They took my life away from me, so I'll take theirs."

He pulls Eren up. "Hear this, you big lugs?" Jean shouts, and the wind roars. "I'll take you down with everything I've got, or I'll die trying! We both will! We all will, and you wouldn't know what hit you when we come!

"Because humanity is strong, and resilient, and we'll never back down! If you thought you could wipe us out, you were wrong! And you always will be! And we will win, and we will finally live in our perfect world!"

"What," Eren hisses out, "are you doing, Kirstein?"

"Abusing my rights, Jaeger," Jean quips. "You'll never get freedom unless you fight for it, right?"

Eren just stares.

Jean ignores him and turns back to the sky. "If there are any Titans out there, come out if you want to die! You will fear us, you will hear us, and we will see you dead. We will triumph, we will succeed, and we will have our hard-earned victory.

"Because we are men!" Jean proclaims, and Eren gives a startled laugh as Jean grabs his hand and raises it upwards. "We are alive for a reason, and we will never die, not completely. We will never accept defeat, and so we will never be defeated. We wear the wings of freedom on our backs and wield the blades of hope wherever we go! We are not afraid of death, and so we will never lose!"

"We will live and you will die!" Eren shouts.

"We will fight and you will cry!" Jean screams.

"We are soldiers," they both say, their hands clasped together. "We swore long ago to dedicate our lives to the revival of humanity! If that pursuit were to cost us our lives, we would be glad! With our final breaths before our deaths, we shall wish for humanity's glory."

"And we will have it!" Eren cries.

"So in all honesty, fuck you!" Jean yells. And they both laugh, carefree in a way that they never had a chance to be, not in a long time. There are tears in both of their eyes as they put up their middle fingers to the sky, and both their hearts beat in the promise of tomorrow.

(And tomorrow does come. They watch the sun rise, and Jean whispers, "Here it comes, the rising tide." Eren simply hums in response, still a bit drowsy.)


End file.
